A completely accurate, deeply scientific study (based on vibes).
Not all heroes wear aprons: some wear them very stylishly while managing to spill absolutely not a single drop of coffee. Others? Let’s just say your morning coffee run might turn into a full-blown adventure in chaos.
At Akita Brewtique, we love two things more than anything else: great coffee and good dogs. So naturally, we asked the hard-hitting question: Which dog breeds would make excellent baristas, and which ones should maybe not be allowed near the espresso machine?
This guide is based entirely on classic breed traits, our own experiences as coffee lovers, and a whole lot of words our grandmas would be upset if we wrote here. This is our opinion on how some of your favourite dog breeds would fare in your local coffee shop or rather, paw-ffee shop.
Schnauzer
Vibe: Uptight manager energy.
Wouldn’t know how to operate the machines but would absolutely lick the counters. The type to enforce strict apron policies and reorganize the syrup bottles alphabetically. Low espresso output, high clipboard usage.
Doberman
Vibe: Serious. Intimidating. Mind-blowingly good at latte art.
Shows up early. Doesn’t speak much. Somehow makes the best flat whites you’ve ever had, then disappears without a trace. Will not tolerate any “is this milk non-dairy?” nonsense. Not a people-dog, but the customers respect them.
German Shepherd
Vibe: The reliable superstar.
Smart enough to operate any espresso machine, charming enough to win over even the grumpiest customers. Knows every regular’s name and order. If you’ve ever had a life-changing cortado, it was probably made by a German Shepherd.
Collie
Vibe: Gentle café fairy.
Picture Lassie. Now picture Lassie delicately handing you a cappuccino and checking in to make sure you’re okay. Can steam milk and heal emotional wounds. Probably puts a tiny foam heart on every drink. Would absolutely rescue a customer who dropped their muffin.
Beagle
Vibe: Loud. Very loud.
Yells your name with unmatched enthusiasm. Your order might be slightly delayed because they got distracted sniffing the syrup pump. You will get ear in your drink, but somehow, you’ll still tip 20%.
Labrador Retriever
Vibe: Golden-hearted disaster.
The drink will be made with love. It will taste amazing. It will not, however, make it to you. Labradors mean well, they just get too excited. Five seconds into the shift and they’ve spilled oat milk, gobbled three biscotti, and waggled into a display of mugs. Still somehow employee of the month.
Requisite Mention: The Akita
Vibe: Knows they’re in charge, even if they’re technically not.
Refuses to follow the drink recipes but somehow improves them. Will only serve you if you pass the vibe check. Gives off mysterious, slightly intimidating barista energy, but has a soft spot for regulars. Your coffee will be amazing. You’ll spend hours wondering how they did it.
Whether you’re a fan of espresso, cold brew, or just dogs in aprons (honestly, same), there’s no denying the magic that would happen if our furry friends ran the café. If only health codes weren’t a thing…
Until then, we’ll just keep brewing the best roast-to-order coffee around. No paws involved, but still made with love.
Liked this post? Sniff out more brew-related silliness, coffee knowledge, and stories from our shop dog, Archer, over on the rest of the Dog with a Blog. And if you’re looking for small-batch, freshly roasted coffee that won’t get tail hair in your cup, check out our online shop, no leash required.
